It’s Not Failure If It’s Good For You

Do you feel like a failure because you stopped, or maybe never even started, breastfeeding? I know I did! But the truth is, quitting is not failing if it’s actually good for you. If someone quit smoking, we wouldn’t call them a quitter. We’d pat them on the back and congratulate them! As great as breastfeeding is (for baby’s immunity and nutrition, not to mention bonding between mother and child), sometimes it just isn’t the right fit for a particular mom and this particular child. And that’s okay! You have to do what feels right for you as the mom so that you’re happier. If you’re happier than you’re more likely able to cope with everything else (i.e. dirty laundry, spit up, blow out diapers, and of course, LACK OF SLEEP).

Typical Breastfeeding Conversation

Well-Intentioned Person: “Are you breastfeeding?”

Mom: “Um, I tried but gave it up after three months. I wished I had kept it up though.”

Well-Intentioned Person: “Breast is best!”

How many times have you heard this or something like this? Not to mention, well-intentioned person, whether it is a relative, friend, or stranger, isn’t even necessarily another mom! Did you hear the tone of apology in the Mom?

Why do we need to make fellow moms feel bad about not breastfeeding? Okay, so I admit it, I was probably one of these rather judgmental people who thought “breast was best.” That is, until I had my own kid, of course.

Breastfeeding and My Son’s Pediatrician

My son’s first few months were very hard for him and us. He was always gassy, fussy, and HANGRY. So I modified my diet (no dairy, no soy, no nothing) and then we tried formula after formula.

During this ordeal,  I had to take him to his pediatrician for a check up. His pediatrician asked me how breastfeeding was going (notice she didn’t ask IF I was breastfeeding). I said it was exhausting. That launched her into a speech about how breastfeeding is absolutely necessary for babies and that I should get comfortable enough to the point that I could carry him around like a football while I do chores around the house. Seriously? I was having a hard enough time finding time to shower and change my clothes!

I thought she was going to call Child Protection Services when I told her we were supplementing with formula! Being a new mom at the time, it made me feel like I was failing my son, even after all the measures I had taken. I had had beautiful visions of me breastfeeding my baby while I looked down at him lovingly. And that was being shattered. I went home feeling battered and worn.

But after a good cry I realized that I had done everything I could for my baby. I became angry and resentful that someone could shake me like that!

If she hadn’t been so focused on breastfeeding, maybe she would’ve noticed that his symptoms were indicative of gastroesophageal reflux disease (aka GERD)! No amount of breastfeeding was going to cure his GERD!

Breastfeeding Isn’t For Every Mom

I know that’s probably not the most p.c. thing to say but it’s true! There’s all this info about how breastfeeding is the end all-be all and all these stories about how mothers should be able to breastfeed in public. All of which, I don’t have a problem with at all. I’m all for female empowerment! Which is why I’m talking about not shaming the mom who decides to not breastfeed.

A few years ago my sister-in-law had twin baby girls. And as adorable as they were, they were high maintenance as well. She gave breastfeeding one shot, and only one shot, while still in the hospital. It was simply too much to handle. She didn’t have enough hands, time, or energy to make it work. And you know what? That’s totally fine! But when she was telling me about it years later, I could tell that she was almost ashamed of it. It made me feel so bad that she thought I would judge her, especially since her girls had now reached three years of age, happy and healthy.

For my sis-in-law, it was the difficulty of having multiples that prevented her from breastfeeding. But I know another mom who decided against it because she “didn’t want something hanging off of her.” I know it sounds kind-of harsh but she never minces words. It was more of a psychological factor for her. But you know what? She ended up raising three healthy boys.

The Good Ole Days

Apparently the previous generation had been bombarded with ads about how formula was best for the baby. Isn’t it funny how there’s even trends on this? I never even thought about what my mother had done because I assumed she breastfed. But after discussing it with my older sister (unfortunately our mom passed away a while back), we concluded that she had to have done both breastmilk and formula. Why? Because our folks couldn’t have been able to afford an all formula diet, especially after having had my sis with the big appetite, and my mom had two jobs to juggle so there’s no way she could’ve solely breastfed, even if she could pump.

Realizing this made me so much better about the situation with my own baby. So much so, that I wanted to share the good vibes with other moms who may be feeling down about not breastfeeding as much as they think they should be.

To Each Their Own

Every mom is different. Every child is different. You do what you feel is best for you and your baby. As a dear friend told me, “hey, we’re all just trying to survive here.”

Did you have a similar experience? What helped or what didn’t help?